Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
🤣🤣🤣
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
motivation
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.