[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me driving through Toronto
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?