My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
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Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
🤣🤣
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”