From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
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They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…