spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Nothing to do, you say?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Alexa, make me look good naked.