I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
You Might Also Like
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I have a black belt in leather
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.