Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Oh boy, $150,000!
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly