It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!