Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
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Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Google assistant rules
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.