Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.