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“I’m helping” 😅
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Hard not to take this personally
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.