“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago