i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
and now we wait
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.