I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
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people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I’ve had worse
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?