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Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING