A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
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How did we decide to go with cockpit?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”