You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday