Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Customer is always right
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
dutch is not a serious language
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.