I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Thoughts
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.