lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Sing it!
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit