Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
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BETRAYAL
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us