They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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me making someone eat a chip with my mind
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
LOOOOOOL
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.