When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
that’s really how it is
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*