Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
at ease…shoulder.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
🐕🍷
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”