“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”