me working on my assignments ^-^
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[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator