Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.