Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*