NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good