My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Pass gas, not judgment.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive