i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Put the is in disheveled
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year