My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
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I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.