“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
craving $300 all of a sudden
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys