[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom