wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
You Might Also Like
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Got ya covered
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE