Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Social Media and Real life
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.