[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
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at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.