I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.