Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
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[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.