Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
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Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
titanic
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃