the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes