HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Can. I. Help. You.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.