whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
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[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Tell the colonel to bring it
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink