me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
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Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.