I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
When someone trying to leave me
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.