Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”