A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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I put the p in pants.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”