No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
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[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…