My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
The fall of Netflix
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.