Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Happy Caturday!
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I beg your pardon?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!